Rev. Richard Skull
2008-12-28 17:46:58 UTC
After careful study of fish entrails, the patterns of bird poop on my
windshield and the turd stains in my toilet, the spirit word has
communicated these prediction for the year of ZOOG (2009 on the
"Conspiracy Calendar")
First, it will not be a good year for Former President George W. Bush.
In February, Mr. Bush will suffer injuries after falling down every
flight of Stairs in the Empire State Building.
May will bring the taint of Scandal after a video is released named
"Two Scottish Terriers, One Cup." Although the dogs will be wearing
masks, many will identify them as Barney and Miss Beasley.
A Sexual Harassment lawsuit will soon follow from Miss Beasley against
Mr. Bush. The out of court settlement will leave Mr. Bush penny-less.
He will be seen laying in the gutters of the streets of Houston in
puddles of his own urine, drunk on cheap fortified wine, yelling "Fuck
Saddam" repeatedly at the top of his lungs.
September will bring tragedy to Mr. Bush when, while laying in the
gutter, he is run over by one of the cars in President Obama's
Motorcade. His body will lay in the streets for day, mistaken for a
dead Armadillo.
Former Vice-President Cheney will also be in the news in the coming
year. He will divorce his current wife, Lynne, and marry Lyndie
England. A secret sex video will be distributed on the Internet
showing her leading Mr. Cheney around on a leash, spreading feces all
over him while hitting him with the bottom of her Army Boots yelling
"Bad Dog! Bad Dog!" at the top of her lungs.
President Obama will offer his package of economic Stimulus & Social
program called "The Funky Society." Every American will get a CD of
Rick James Greatest Hits, sequined bell bottomed Jump Suits and
platform shoes. The USA will rise to exceed Germany, Niger, and
Finland on the Don Cornelius Index of "Get Down With Yo' Funky Self!"
Despite this large outlay, the USA will still not out-funk Morocco and
Sardinia.
On the Economic front, GM will have a short lived spurt of sales as
the company is acquired by J.R. "Bob" Dobbs. "Bob" will introduce a
model that looks just like a '57 Chevy, will be amphibious, can fly at
350 mph, and has a kick ass stereo! Sale will suddenly drop when the
public learns this "Miracle Car" is fueled with Midgets. In
Congressional Testimony, "Bob" will ask his soon to be famous
question, "What, all of a sudden everyone cares about Midgets?" After
which sales will recover.
A new species of lichen will be discovered by Madonna's gynecologist
in April
The City of Portland Oregon will suffer and summer of terror, when
every sign nailed to a Utility pole which advertises weight loss, home
loans, work from home or free kittens will mysteriously Disappear.
Aliens will land on the Lawn of the White House in December, exit
their ship, urinate on the lawn, then get back in and take off. Pat
Robertson will claim this to a sign that everyone should send him more
money.
Ivan Stang will suffer a financial setback when he drops a quarter
which will roll into a storm drain. This event will set off the
largest drop in the Dow Index in History. The index will then have his
greatest day ever the next day when Stang sends Pricness Wei down the
Storm Drain to recover the quarter, in which she will also discover an
addition 73 cents under a dead cat.
The Big Trends for ZOOG:
Colon Tattoos
Brain Piercings
Rednecks will be "In" this year
Personal Hygiene will be "out"
A short trend this summer of shoving live weasels up you arse will be
replaced with the hotter trend of shoving full grown elephants up your
arse.
In fashion trends, the hot trends will be Barrels, burlap sacks, and
discarded newspaper.
Sports:
Des Moines, Iowa will win the world series, only to sell it in a yard
sale the next year.
NASCAR will be forced to downsize by racing go-carts. But the sport
will be revolutionized for ever when their NASCAR engineers develop
the "Right Turn"
A Rule Change if the NHL will allow the use of Pogo Sticks.
Due to the increased demands for Midgets, the MNBA league will
disband.
The WNBA will change its name to the LNBA after a nationally televised
game turns into a carpet munching fest.
windshield and the turd stains in my toilet, the spirit word has
communicated these prediction for the year of ZOOG (2009 on the
"Conspiracy Calendar")
First, it will not be a good year for Former President George W. Bush.
In February, Mr. Bush will suffer injuries after falling down every
flight of Stairs in the Empire State Building.
May will bring the taint of Scandal after a video is released named
"Two Scottish Terriers, One Cup." Although the dogs will be wearing
masks, many will identify them as Barney and Miss Beasley.
A Sexual Harassment lawsuit will soon follow from Miss Beasley against
Mr. Bush. The out of court settlement will leave Mr. Bush penny-less.
He will be seen laying in the gutters of the streets of Houston in
puddles of his own urine, drunk on cheap fortified wine, yelling "Fuck
Saddam" repeatedly at the top of his lungs.
September will bring tragedy to Mr. Bush when, while laying in the
gutter, he is run over by one of the cars in President Obama's
Motorcade. His body will lay in the streets for day, mistaken for a
dead Armadillo.
Former Vice-President Cheney will also be in the news in the coming
year. He will divorce his current wife, Lynne, and marry Lyndie
England. A secret sex video will be distributed on the Internet
showing her leading Mr. Cheney around on a leash, spreading feces all
over him while hitting him with the bottom of her Army Boots yelling
"Bad Dog! Bad Dog!" at the top of her lungs.
President Obama will offer his package of economic Stimulus & Social
program called "The Funky Society." Every American will get a CD of
Rick James Greatest Hits, sequined bell bottomed Jump Suits and
platform shoes. The USA will rise to exceed Germany, Niger, and
Finland on the Don Cornelius Index of "Get Down With Yo' Funky Self!"
Despite this large outlay, the USA will still not out-funk Morocco and
Sardinia.
On the Economic front, GM will have a short lived spurt of sales as
the company is acquired by J.R. "Bob" Dobbs. "Bob" will introduce a
model that looks just like a '57 Chevy, will be amphibious, can fly at
350 mph, and has a kick ass stereo! Sale will suddenly drop when the
public learns this "Miracle Car" is fueled with Midgets. In
Congressional Testimony, "Bob" will ask his soon to be famous
question, "What, all of a sudden everyone cares about Midgets?" After
which sales will recover.
A new species of lichen will be discovered by Madonna's gynecologist
in April
The City of Portland Oregon will suffer and summer of terror, when
every sign nailed to a Utility pole which advertises weight loss, home
loans, work from home or free kittens will mysteriously Disappear.
Aliens will land on the Lawn of the White House in December, exit
their ship, urinate on the lawn, then get back in and take off. Pat
Robertson will claim this to a sign that everyone should send him more
money.
Ivan Stang will suffer a financial setback when he drops a quarter
which will roll into a storm drain. This event will set off the
largest drop in the Dow Index in History. The index will then have his
greatest day ever the next day when Stang sends Pricness Wei down the
Storm Drain to recover the quarter, in which she will also discover an
addition 73 cents under a dead cat.
The Big Trends for ZOOG:
Colon Tattoos
Brain Piercings
Rednecks will be "In" this year
Personal Hygiene will be "out"
A short trend this summer of shoving live weasels up you arse will be
replaced with the hotter trend of shoving full grown elephants up your
arse.
In fashion trends, the hot trends will be Barrels, burlap sacks, and
discarded newspaper.
Sports:
Des Moines, Iowa will win the world series, only to sell it in a yard
sale the next year.
NASCAR will be forced to downsize by racing go-carts. But the sport
will be revolutionized for ever when their NASCAR engineers develop
the "Right Turn"
A Rule Change if the NHL will allow the use of Pogo Sticks.
Due to the increased demands for Midgets, the MNBA league will
disband.
The WNBA will change its name to the LNBA after a nationally televised
game turns into a carpet munching fest.